Stuck in reception

Day three of my new account, and things are going OK.  For the first couple of weeks, I intend to go to the customer site every day.  It is a 1.5 hour commute each way, so not to be taken on lightly, however it is good to be in amongst the team and my new colleagues as I get to learn the lay of the land.

They do have one strange rule.  I have to be collected from reception by a valid badge holder.  This means that sometimes I have to sit in reception until one of my colleagues who have been granted this esteemed badge either responds to their phone, or walks by.  In fact, I am writing this in reception, waiting for someone I have managed to contact via instant messaging.

And so my day has started.  If noone is available, I guess I will just have to setup camp in reception and work there for the day, a bit like that bloke who got stuck in the US airport.  You know the one, with Tom Hanks where he is stuck, visaless, between airside and the wider US.  Maybe I should grow a beard just in case.

Anyhow, work is going OK.  The account is very new, which means that a lot of my new colleagues have only recently transferred in to Starfleet, which is a disorientating experience that tends to leave people bemused, confused, slightly wary and very unsure what the hell is happening to them.  I do remember this, having transferred troops myself some years ago, however I can barely remember what I had for breakfast (two Wheatabix now I come to think of it), my memory is pretty faint as to how it felt.  Luckily, my new colleagues are displaying very visibly the signs, so I can re-remember via my interactions with them.

So, another day getting to know my new account team, the wider organisation, and also the technologies they have implemented as part of their electronic ecosystem.

What's on your mind?

I am an avid ready of Golfy, Bad Man and Stretch*, and have been picking up a common theme amongst them all, a theme that I myself have touched on from time to time.

We are all, as it happens, troopers of Starfleet, aka Dante for Bad Man, so it may well inevitable that common themes will arise when each of us discusses our work.

So, what is the gist of this theme?**  Well, it is all about the "era of change", departing colleagues and friends, and an assessment of the atmosphere amongst those who remain.  I like Bad Man's view that we are now in the era of "initiatives", which is management speak that translates in to trying to make a pint fill a quart pot.  These initiatives will all start "now is the time to regroup, and to work smarter not harder."  I would like to believe this, but as Bad Man succinctly puts it, in an organisation the size of Starfleet/Dante "fundamental change is all but impossible and dilution of ideas and objectives is a fact of life."  Rather well put I think.  And unfortunately that does mean that we can expect to work harder, and probably longer, to fill the gaps left by those who have departed.  We have been urged by our leaders to "not let the service to our customers drop" and having done the maths, the options do seem limited.

So where does this leave those who remain?***  Cynicism could easily set in, apathy may also be just round the corner.  Optimism has a lot to be said for it, and energising one's self to tackle future challenges is definitely a good frame of mind to be in.  Attack is the best form of defense and all that.  However it can sometimes struggle under the torrent of "initiatives". 

For others, it has been a time to ponder "is this it?" and consider whether alternative roles or companies is the way forward.  I fear the losses to troopers may well continue for a good few quarters yet.  Aghh, I am even starting to count normal time in quarters.  

All in all, I am not looking forward to the next year, as we regroup and try to work out how the hell we continue doing what we do with gaps in the organisation.

Well, it was good to get that off my chest.  Not sure it made for much pleasure in the reading, but you know, some days...

On a different tack, some of my group of friends have been discussing the possibility of going to Glastonbury next year.  Traveling light, sharing tents and other logistic-related discussions ensued.  We are all tempted by the Ness (Gavin and Stacey) approach to such things.  "I just take Femiwipes and tic tacs."  Hmmmmmmmmm.

* This is not to say that I am not also an avid reader of Gorse Fox, however he does not tend to discuss these things as much as the other three.

**Should one put a question mark on a rhetorical question?  Not that this is a rhetorical question of course, but I was just wondering.

***I find myself pondering the rhetorical question debate once again.  Isn't that rather interesting.

Sorry seems to be the hardest word

Sorry, dear readers, for not writing for a while. Starfleet has moved my base to London and I am currently working mostly at the customer offices, which has a pretty vigorous web blocking system, which, you guessed it, blocks my blog. I also have not got organised yet for any kind of internet connection when mobile. So for the two or three days I spend on account are blogless. I feel positively negative about the whole blogfast, yet find myself today not entirely sure what the hell to write.

Oh well, it has not stopped me before. Just start the sentence with "So" and see how it goes.

So, my working week this week has been spent "laying the foundation stones" of the process we need in place to get control of our workload, and we had a very successful time doing just that.

Socially*, I had a quite evening in the hotel room with room service. After three weekends of over-indulgence, what I needed was no beer and some rest. And I got both. The hotel and room were very nice, the room-service a bit limited, but I had a right old time and arrived at the (full English) breakfast the next morning refreshed and ready for day two.

I did manage to miss my connecting train home by being on the phone to a work colleague, so spent half an hour longer than I needed to on East Croydon station. To be honest, one station looks a lot like another, and this one was no exception. All the people on the various platforms had a uniformly similar expression that said "I would really rather be anywhere else but here", and most were engaged in some activity of other involving either a Blackberry or an iPhone. I have been doing my own Scobi poll of hand held devices used by the natives of Londinium, and can confirm that 94.75% of people either had a Blackberry or an iPhone. Having used a friend's iPhone to check my eBay sales, I can confirm that it is a natty device, but still not the perfect browsing experience**. As a Blackberry user myself, albeit one without any data services***, I can also confirm that it may be very good at many things, but being a phone is not really one of them**.

It was good to be home, and roasted veg and halloumi with special Harisa source on cous cous was a fine home-coming meal, and it was lovely to see the family again.

I am at home for the rest of the week, so you can expect more regular posts until next Tuesday, when I am up for two nights and three days. I really must sort out connectivity.


*does that count as starting with "so"?
** Yes, that is considered understatement you are sensing.
*** I know, that does not compute. What is the point, you ask, of having a Blackberry without any data services. That is most definitely an oxymoron. We call it Starfleet logic. Which is also an oxymoron.

Is that music I hear?

I am wresting with the right verb. I can't decide if the right word is make or write or compose or something else altogether. For the purposes of this blog, I shall therefore be using a composite word what we can agree between us means whatever it is that I do. The word shall be compeate. This is part compose, part create.

So, I have been compeating music again. I am working on an Aphex Twin inspired electronica song that I am trying very had to make odd, and, for now, failing. I feel it needs some kind of voice clip, and have decided that I shall be looking for such a sound clip from the film Harvey. Golfy recently watched the film, supposedly on the casual mention by me, and it has reminded me what a charming film it was. I have found the clip and will have a look tonight whether mashegrate (part mash, part integrate of course) it in to the song to see whether I can make it please me.

I even got a message on my MySpace page, along the lines of "liking the music..." but on closer inspection, I notice that it is a company dealing in band paraphernalia, t-shirts, plectrums, stickers, hoodies, lighters etc. Maybe they are flattering to deceive, and I for one am always open to flattery, but am not sure a plectrum is going to be much use on my computer-based home studio.

I am on a short week this week, with a couple of days off to go 'vannin'. This means that a number of loose threads need either to be tidied up or given to someone else to ensure that the Starfleet machine does not stutter due to my absence. In case you are worried, that last bit was me trying to flatter myself, and I realise of course that, as a rule, you are missed in such circumstances about as much as a bucket of water misses your hand when you take it out.

As I will be off air for a couple of days, I thought I had better leave you with a joke so the memory of me lingers until I return (self-flattery again). As anyone who knows me knows, I do like to tell a joke, and have a soft spot for a-man-walks-in-to-a-bar type jokes. Here goes.

A nose walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve you. You're already off your face."

Anyway....

Stepping off the bus

I am on day four of my little break, and it is still only Saturday. I took Wednesday and Thursday off to use up my holiday, an annual event enjoyed by many at Starfleet, but an event that makes the corridors of the organisation considerably less congested at this time of year. in fact, it now rivals the summer break for being a time when no-one is around and you can get nothing done.

I have had a very enjoyable, and mostly relaxing, time these last few days, and am very much feeling like a normal human being again. Today is Saturday and we have nothing much on, so are hoping the weather stays unwet so we can go for a bike ride.

This evening may well see us watching some of series three of Gavin and Stacey, having just devoured the last of series two, which was most enjoyable. The little moments of humour mixed with genuine characters who you really care about makes it a thoroughly enjoyable experience. Several of the funnier moments having us laughing out loud, and that does not have very often in the Scobi household with our clothes on.
We are obviously a bit late to the party with G&S, but boy are we glad we are on to it now, and having all three series to watch back to back is a joy to behold. "Gavalar".

So that is just about all for now. I would like to be looking forward to listening to Pompey vs Blackburn on the radio, but these days it can be a depressing experience, made worse in the last couple of weeks with further injuries, and couple of desertions, meaning that I won't even know some of the names on the pitch, being young'uns from the academy, and goodness knows if we will even make a full reserve bench.
Hey ho, the big event for us is obviously the FA Cup semi-final at Wembley, when we meet the arch rival Harry. Play up Pompey.

A moment in time

I am on a long Starfleet teleconference, listen only, and thought it might be funny to write a blog whilst listening to it, just to see after the event, how blank a mind can get without actually imploding. The writer takes no responsibility to what is written from this point on.

Someone has just asked a question, and I fear he may be taking a bet to ask the question in the style of Alan Partridge. I would say he has won the bet. Oohh, someone else is asking a question. No bets on this question. A straightforward question that is both straight and forward. The answer also sounds very much like no bet was taken.

One thing that IS good about a long, listen-only conference call, is that you have a chance to tidy up your Inbox. Mine looks very tidy right now.

Now we have a financial presentation, which before it has started, I expect it to be broadly structured as follows:

- we did well last quarter/year
- these are the bits that went well/not well
- bit of complicated numbers stuff that only finance people really understand
- we need to do more next quarter/year.

Other than that, I see that that Sven-Goran Ericsson has been named as the Ivory Coast national team coach. For some reason it amused me as a dichotomous pairing - the restrained, up-tight northern hemisphere manager from a very cold country, managing a gregarious, layed back African team from a very hot country. Cool Running sprang to mind. And then I started to think of other similarly dichotomous pairs:

- Wayne Sleep managing the WWF tag team (editor's note: they are now known as WWE, World Wresting Entertainment, which is an interesting change, perhaps confirming what many have thought)

- Gordon Ramsey named Women's Guild Cultural Ambassador

- Quentin Tarrantino to produce follow up to Bambi

The call is nearly over, so I will probably need to go and do some work now.

750 Words and what do you get....

... another day older and deeper in debt.

So goes the old miner's song, where they sold their souls to the company store.

In the modern day reinterpretation of this old classic:

- Starfleet is playing the part of the company store
- Words are playing the part of 16 tons of coal
- Aging and Debt are playing themselves.

For further reference, please see the following: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sixteen_Tons

I have been nagged by my fellow blogger Golfy to do this blog, and his stinging words have forced me in to action.

I guess I should tell you a bit about Golfy. You can see his blog from the link to the left hand side of this page, and I urge you to read his blog because he makes you very glad you are not him. Only joking, he has a fine turn of phrase, and while I understand almost nothing he writes, I am sure it is all very interesting. I can tell you that he comes from the wild west, or Gloucestershire as we know it now, and he tinkles when he walks by virtue of his spurs, his unfeasibly large, um, insteps, and also due the large amount of small change that he carries in his pockets. The said small change is of course to put in his hat when he is busking, so that people passing think "boy, he must be good!". To be honest, once you have seen one naked tap dancer, you have seen them all, but he does have a neat trick where he can make his left nipple rotate clockwise while simultaneously making his belly button rotate anti-clockwise and his comb-over do the Hokey Cokey.
The other thing about Golfy is that he likes Apple Macs. If you don't know what these are, then all I can say is that they are basically like Swing-ball, but with a screen. He is a prodigious technical talent, which means that he provides free technical support for everyone from his mother-in-law to his mate's wife. And me.

So if you are trying to work out the relevance of 750 words, you can read more here http://750words.com/. This is what inspired me to start this blog, and the key message from it is that writing every day helps to clean the soul etc etc. It doesn't have to be anything very profound, just a stream of consciousness, sort of a sauna sweat session for the brain. Now you know this, I think you can see that I have taken the "does not need to be about anything in particular" bit very seriously, not least in this entry.

Well, all to say is have a lovely weekend and let's meet up again next week. I am off to see Traces, which is "A high energy, dazzling display of urban acrobatics". I am expecting Cirque de Soleil transported to the streets of Brixton, and will let you know whether I got that right or not on Monday.

ttfn.

Old Haunts

My life as a foot soldier of Starfleet has, in the last couple of years, revolved around 4 main locations, namely my home office, Worcester, Farnborough and London, in order of frequency. So far in 2010, due to a combined effect of stricter rules on when you can travel, and also less of a need to do so anyway, I have spent too much of my time working from home.

"Oh, how lovely, being able to work from home."

"Yes it is, but to do it all the time gives you cabin fever. It is great to have the option, but it is also good to mix in person with like-minded colleagues from time to time."

If I have a pound for every time I have said that this year, then I would have exactly £17.50. The 50p relating, obviously, to a very abbreviated version of that conversation.

It is true, having the option of working at home is a fantastic privilege, if privilege is not too strong a word for it. In my industry, it is fair to say that Starfleet leads the way in supporting, in fact actively encouraging, home working, even if they did take away the company funded broadband connection last year, leaving me to either pay for my own, or change my working status to "office-based" and be allocated a desk in my local Starfleet starship. The latter being somewhat more of a threat than something they would actively want to encourage, in my opinion, but nevertheless a clever tactic to help ease the transition without mass revolt. This does, I know, sound a bit ungrateful, since most people do not get their company to provide broadband for home working. I accept this and the best defense I can make is that when you are provided with something, and then have it taken away, then you do feel like you have lost something. Maybe bankers are likewise moaning about the million pound bonus they are not getting this year. Oh sorry, they are getting it this year, but only to ensure that each bank can retain their best "talent". Claws away, rant over.

Anyhow, my lack of travel means that I have not been to Worcester this year, a massive change from last year when I went every week, usually for two days and one night.

My stay would normally be at the Fownes Hotel. This was a glove factory "in the old days" and is now a local hotel that is a bit tatty, but a place that feels like home. I always liken it to a dotty aunt's house - not perfect, but somehow charming in its imperfection.

On Wednesday, I visited Worcester, just for the day. I was unable to stay at Aunty Fownes' house because I had to work from home to look after the recuperating maggot 1 on the Thursday. It was nice to see a number of old faces, and to catch up on what is going on with the program, which is long and complicated. They were all able to confirm that any rumours of shortness and simplicity are much over-blown.

Primary reason for attending Worcester was to meet with my customer to agree and sign off an important proposal. This went well, but needs a bit more work so back next week for an overnight stay. This overnight coincides with a leaving do for a couple of colleagues, and will effectively be also my leaving do, since I do not imagine going to Worcester again, so it will be nice to have a beer with people who I have worked with for several years.

Mini Sales School

I spent Tuesday and Wednesday this week on a Mini Sales School course. This is like normal sales school, but smaller. No minis were hurt in the making of the course. It was a very intense 2 days, with day one giving us the "tools" to manage and structure a sales call, and day two giving us a chance to sharpen our blunt tools during two simulated sales calls.
Simulations are strange things. They are most definitely artificial, in an Instant Whip kind of way, yet they are also useful ways to practice and do fulfil a need, just like an Instant Whip. Some people approach them as about as frightening an event as they have ever had to do, and the sense of nerves in some was amazing to see, and not something I could particularly relate to.
As for how I did, I did alright really. I managed to sell the double glazing manager some Starfleet laptops to reward her top performers, rather than them getting a skiing holiday. Oh how those sales folks must be cursing me ;-)

This was a two day, one night event, and so that meant the obligatory evening meal, which was great fun. A couple of beers and some red wine made sure I had a "healthy" glow, and avoiding the shots, non-flaming zambuchas (without the flames due to health and safety!) and depth charges that some of the group decided to partake in after the meal ensured that I, at least, was able to walk in to the training room next morning unaided, and with my eyes fully open. They were living proof that you are never old enough to know better.

The inevitable consequence of two days getting an educashun is, of course, an overflowing Inbox. Thursday morning was therefore partially spent clearing that down, attending to any urgent ones and generally getting my feet back under the metaphorical desk. The early start, as previously mentioned, was very useful in helping sort this out in a relatively painless way.

So now I find myself on Friday, preparing for a call today and meeting next week to close my biggest outstanding solution. I am hoping my absence from the customer offices will not set me back in my quest to get the thing signed. I am also hoping, as my already trained sales colleagues has been ribbing me about, that Mini Sales School did teach me something, and I am able to put in to practice some of the stuff I learned. Here's hoping.

Time for Tease

Burlesque. It is an unusual experience, eating sandwich slices with the crusts off, sipping tea (to wash away the taste of champagne) while a procession of women dance a bit and do a "living picture" with various different themes, the common element being that all of them were in their smalls.

Most surprising was the audience, which way 95% female, the majority of them on a birthday bash, so as time went on, the volume went up. All in all a very enjoyable, if slightly surreal, afternoon. Near the end of the afternoon, a lady even walked round selling nipple tassles off an around-the-neck box similar to the ice cream vendors in cinemas of old. Raspberry Nipple anyone?*

The rest of the night was the usual chat/drink/eat format.

So, the other thing I want to talk about is my employer. I shall borrow from fellow blogger, the mighty Gorse Fox, and call them Starfleet.

So Starfleet are a multinational organisation, operating in the same difficult financial conditions as the rest of the world, and the impact of those trading conditions are making their effects felt in our organisation. The last vestiges of Final Salary Pensions are being closed down, and redundancy is looming for some. Many senior colleagues have already taken the early route to a less stressful life, and the true effects of losing so much wisdom and experience has yet to be felt.
"Our business is our people" was a rather tired cliche in "the old days", and maybe it is a sign of the times that, cliche as it is, that is never said these days. Any sense of nurturing and valuing their people has definitely left the building. Times are undoubtedly tough, and when things get tough, executives turn to their spreadsheets for the answers, and lives are changed forever. If only they had more empathy for their people who really are, when all is said and done, their business.


* That was in poor taste, Ed.